Friday, September 30, 2005

It seems that everyone has problems now. And it just HAS to be during this exam period that everyone gets sad and distracted. How ironic. The past few days have been CRAP for me. But today was FUN. hahaha. Laughed alot. hoho. yay yay.

this is a very crappy entry cos my dad just came home and i'm in a state of panic. hahaha. So to make up for the rubbish, I shall dedicate a song to all my friends. *smiles*


I'll Be There For You
So, no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear.
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month,
or even your year.

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too

You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight.
You've burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these.
But she didn't tell you when the world
has brought you down to your knees,

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cause you're there for me too

6:24 PM

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

haha i think YFC peeps will get this. Or those who receive YFC yahoo messages. Loves loves peeps!



Praise God! Woots!

7:42 PM

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ok this is damn horrible of me cos i'm not supposed to be blogging la. but i feel the need to blog. haha. so here i am.

today miss chua showed the sec threes pics of the events in 2005. and there was this pic these pics of band. with Sir. When the first pic of Sir came out I was like "SIR!" and suddenly all the memories came flooding back. And for the first time since he left, I really really really miss him like mad. There was a pic with him in the midst of conducting. His usual enthusiastic way of conducting. haha. full of energy and life. I really miss all that. The way he always told us funny stories that happened to him last time.. The way he would laugh with us when we attempted a new piece and did terribly badly. The way he never blamed us for playing badly or anything.. I miss it all..

There were pics of SYF. my gosh. SYF. I stil remember the date. 13th April 2005. Memories so gorgeous, no words can descirbe them. The practices we had from Nov/Dec 2004 til 13th April. They were so super fun.

Syf Camp. I remember.. When we had to make the decision as to who to go for SYF... How the camp ended with everyone in tears... How close I was to Dee then... The Practices from Syf camp to syf itself. intensive training. Everyone stressed over Syf. wishing that we had practiced harder when we had time. But the bond with our seniors pulled us so close. We never gave up. We never gave up. Every practice was enjoyable. I looked forward to going for CCA then. I could trully say "Band Rocks" and mean it.

13th April 2005. My hands cold with nerves. Warm ups in the music room. People rushing for make up. Half the band didn't even put on make up. no one cared much. My hair pulled all the way back. Looked like some toot. haha. Everyone rushing around for last minute hair ribbons, black hair clips, eye make up etc.

In the bus, trombone section at the back making lots of noise and laughing. I was just sick with nerves. Prayed the whole bus ride.

Then the waiting. we waited and queued and waited for our turn. Blood on the floor. no one needs to remember about that :P. Chiobus from clarinet section of bedok something sec. haha. tuning room. emptied water from instruments on carpetted floor. haha. sh. nerves accumulating even more. then more waiting outside the hall. hugging all over. trying to laugh off nerves. I bet no one even knew my legs were like jelly. strong fronts. but jelly inside.

Entering the hall. one huge mess. finally sat down with my instrument. lights everywhere. everywhere. where were the judges? sweat forming on my brow. concentrated on sir. nothing else. Singapore Rhapsody. First note. out of tune. We went on. I hit every note. Elation.

Panther Fire. Soli. wasn't too good. But it was over. It was over. Everyone so happy. confident of getting a gold. Even hoped for gold with honours. Everyone was hopeful. Perhaps too much.

Results. we were band number 72. they started with 60. my gosh. imagine the wait. on my left, diyanah. on my right, sherri. held sherri's hands as tight as i could. i was so nervous. Cute guy from ASCI in front. haha. can't ever forget that :P. Band number 72. Saint Anthony's Canossian Secondary School. Silver. Stunned silence. an "Oh My Gosh". Tears just came. they wouldn't stop.

Results finally over. Collected instruments and stuff. bus ride home. Sat with sherri the whole way. Sobs and tears. Sniffs and cries. Sir's heartbroken eyes. Trying to tell us it was ok. but it wasn't. I knew it. He knew it. We all knew it. He was keeping his tears in. I was sitting closest to him. Perhaps only I saw the tear glistening in his eye. I saw the pain in his eyes as he watched Sherri's shoulders tremble with sadness. I saw the way he finally sat down when he didn't know what else to say to cheer us up.

Back in the music room. Miss Chua said some crap. no one was listening. Everyone heartbroken. everyone was just crying. we had let Sir down. We had let Sir down.

I'll never forget how we let Sir down. I'll never forget the pain in his eyes. I'll never forget the memories of the countless band practices. I'll never forget the seniors and how they made band practices so perfect. I'll never forget how Sir made band practices MORE than perfect.

I'll never forget.

7:53 PM

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Hey dudes. This is gonna be my last entry til the EOYs are over. I'm cutting myself off the internet from now on. Sigh. Internet gone. Handphone gone. I might as well jsut cut myself away from the face of the Earth. Still. Despite my social life being reduced to nothingness, I will survive. hahaha talk about melodramatic. (Oh btw i just learnt a new word. dra-fucking-ma) Hehe. go figure.

So yup. this is it sweethearts.. I'm going to mug like fuck from now on. Ciaos! Until the 18th of October!! Bye!

4:37 PM

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oh I'm so full!!!!!! Had buffet at CSC just now. the food sucked. but I'm still so full!!! argh. haha. i'm gonna have to roll to school tomorrow! hahahaha. don't mix me up with Lopez. I'm fairer. haha. K not funny. lols.

Argh school starts tomorrow!! i've only done eng compre so far. like shit la. oh no. history and ss notes. argh. what the effing hell please. rah!!! i don't wanna go school le!!!

I have an announcement to make.


Natalie Koh has lost interest in blogging. oh no... haha. Which means.. I might put this blog on hiatus. Or in the worst case scenerio, CLOSE IT. Hm.. should I? I don't know. I'm rather attached to my blog. hehehe. See how.

I need to organize my time a little better. Sleep more. Study more. Yes. So that means less time on the computer hehe. I really spend too much time on the com. hehs.

k i'm rambling. I don't know wth I'm talking about. hahaha. Shall try to struggle through some hw. hehs. ciaos.

3:21 PM

Friday, September 09, 2005

Everyone's always searching for themselves. Trying to discover who they truly are, searching for their inner selves to come out. I'm doing just that. And I'm confusing myself. I'm scared. What if my inner self turns out to be really selfish, self-centered and all thats bad. I wanna know who I really am and yet I'm afraid. I sound like a stupid, immatured adolescent (which i really am) but that's how I feel. My self-esteem is close to zero now. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be so happy, so carefree. Now I'm this moodswinging freak who can't concentrate on anything for more than 3 seconds. I'm sick of these tears welling up only to force them back in. I'm sick of people asking me why I'm so grumpy when i myself don't know why. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and asking "Who the hell is that?".

My life's a blank. A huge, ugly blank. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what's going on. I need to organise that ugly blank. I need to see colours again. I want to see bright colours. Enough of dull ones. I don't like dull colours anymore.

My heart aches all the time now. It aches and I want the ache to go away. go away. go away. Seeing her again today made it ache more. more. more. At one point it felt so constricted I could hardly breathe. I don't wanna see her anymore. I don't wanna talk to her anymore!! I just wanna die!!!! I moodswing so much now.. I feel so bad.. Everyone has to put up with my moodswings. I'm so sad!!! Maybe my heart will just freeze. please please please let that happen. Maybe the Lord will take pity on me and bring me home to Him. Now. argh!!! Maybe I'll go to sleep and never wake up. Then I'll become an angel and watch over everyone and make sure they're happy. I think I'll be happier that way.

Oh no school's starting soon. =( i don't want please!!!

I don't wanna go for band anymore. can you say stressful? I don't wanna see that Chua Bee Leng's face anymore. Do you think her teeth disease is contagious? argh I'm so mean. but what ever. I'm so frustrated. Band is going down the drain. Cos I'm such a fucked up pres. I need a break. Thank God for CCA breaks. =(=( but i'll miss my instrument. =(=( I really wish to die. now.

Since the 3rd of June nothing was ever the same again. I really just wanna die. I don't think I've ever wanted my life to end so much before. I can't take all this pain. I am weak. I admit, but I can't take it anymore. I need a break. but everything is just piling and it keeps piling. Feel like going to the highest building and just screaming FUCK. gosh I'm so immatured. I can't take this shit anymore. I'm gonna burst. burst. burst. enough. enough. enough. I've had enough of this masquerade. I just wanna unmask you. And I want you to unmask me. My heart is dying. This isn't the me I knew.

Lord I really need help.

9:14 PM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I'm not high anymore =( and to be annoying again. i shall not say why. har har.

Fallen in love with this song "smile" by Rod Steward. was sung by Natalie Cole too. very very nice.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear maybe ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile- what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile
Oh that's the time you must keep on trying

Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile
I look forward to the day i actually believe it. har de har.

8:16 PM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Oh man i feel damn fat please. i shall DIET YES I SHALL. haha. no more chocolates or ice cream or delicious pastries for me. *cries* haha. *chants obsessively* diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet diet


i'm really happy about something. teehee. *giggles madly* i shall not say what. hahaha isn't it annoying? hahahahaha. i'm happy i don't think i've giggled so much since. well, since. hahaha. gosh. happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy. =D

today i wasted 5 and a half hours. hoho. rah. haha. boo. HAHA. shit i'm going mad.

argh i'm so fat.



*bursts into hysterical laughter*

hahaha i'm mad.

11:13 PM

Monday, September 05, 2005

i am confused

confused am i

i make no sense

no sense makes i

haha k that was nonsensical. i just spent the first day of the holidays AT HOME. yayness. haha but it's out out out out out everyday from tml til sat. woohoos. have i done my homework? erm.... haha! have i studied? erm.... haha! i'm so guai right? haha! k i've been abit crappy since yesterday. i think i'm suffering from lack of sleep. cos SOMEONE didn't let me sleep til one last night. *ahem* and she's disturbing me now again. sigh.. haha.. but i'm nice. so i'm humouring her. see what juniors do for their seniors? they humour them til wee hours of the morning. HAHA.

I feel sleepy. why? i just woke up twelve hours ago. and did virtually NOTHING the whole day. so why am i sleepy? hm. OH RIGHT. cos i'm slept at one last night cos of SOMEONE. you know what? i'm not making much sense. haha! my most nonsensical entry for this blog. YAYNESS. hahahaha!

i shall recount my day. i woke up at twelve. placed my bum on the seat in front of the com for about 5 hours with small breaks for food and the toilet. then i graciously let my younger sis use the com while i placed my bum on the sofa for 2 hours. then my bum went to the seat in front of the com for another hour. next, my bum settled nicely into my bed while i spoke on the phone with 3 other nonsensical people. i went to watch tv, and now my bum is back here in front of the com. HAHA. how eventful my day was. this should the blog of nat koh's BUM . hahaha. my bum had a more interesting day than me.

lol. see i TOLD YOU this entry was nonsensical. ho hum. sigh.. i shall go humour that SOMEONE again. goodbye =))

11:53 PM

Sunday, September 04, 2005



8:51 PM

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I feel like a change of layout again. Hoho. I'm in a mood for something simple. But I'm lazy. hehe. It's time for a proper blog in place of my usual "recount of the day". so here goes. those uninterested may go knock your heads on the computer screen to switch it off or just close this window. ho hum.

Blogging. What is it all about? Typing all of your feelings onto the net? Making it a personal diary for your friends to read? Unrestricted? Unlimited? No way. Sure we blog to vent our feelings on something. To express our feelings into words. But can words truly bring out how we feel? Can this digital screen portray our inner thoughts, those that are totally impossible to express into words? Do we really blog as a real diary? Or are we just typing stuff out in hope of finding someone who understands? In hope of sieving out true friends from false.

I'm not talking about those little fig holes who drone on and on about their little infatuations that no one gives two hoots about to show how cool they are. I'm talking about people like me who try to type out what they're feeling until they reach a point where you can't say anymore. Where no words are worthy of our thoughts.

Even then. the net restricts us. our blogs. open to the world. literally. anyone who knows this URL may read everything. And humans, being humans judge. And we, being humans as well, get self-conscious. So whatever is on our blogs isn't really everything. So even though a blog is for everything we think, we don't put everything down. Restriction by human nature. Restriction by feelings beyond words.

When have I ever felt better after a good blog? When has my blog ever comforted me when I was upset? Honestly, never. So why do I still blog?Hm.

11:44 AM

Thursday, September 01, 2005


today is teacher's day!! whoos!! haha. i'm whooing cos no school! haha. went to study at airport with adlin, eunice and xiaomei. haha. i actually STUDIED CAN. how guai I am! For geography cos tml got geog test. horrifying please! haha. oh man adlin was damn funny today la! laughed lots lots. haha!

gosh there's school tomorrow! what the argh! so pointless! they should just cancel school totally! just end the term la! wth. i hope there's mass then can miss ALOT ALOT of lessons! yeah! haha shit i have alot of homework can! history webquest. RAH. E math hw. RAH. A math hw. RAH. mr tan is gonna throw me to RTC soon. RAH. k i'm like so dead la. tomorrow's gonna be a REALLY BAD DAY. i can feel it. RAH. at least there's no band. RAH. haha. ok i really should stop going "RAH" haha. RAH. gosh i'm feeling nervous about tomorrow. how weird. haha! i hate having bad feelings. cos my feelings usually come true. RAH. RAH. RAH. argh i'm going insane.

sc: get well soon! heard you got flu!
erjie: i'm still praying hard for you =))

8:00 PM

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